Cloudless SkySummer time in a desert is so disappointing; everything is so bare and dry. Sagebrush dots the hills occasionally, but they're mostly a vast amount of weeds just begging to catch on fire. When the hills burn, they burn.
Volcanic rocks from long ago lie exposed to the elements as reminders of a different time, reminders of a chaotic past full of raging volcanoes and tormenting storms.
If air could boil, the sun would certainly do so. It gets so bloody hot, and it makes living in an agricultural community miserable sometimes. Before work every morning, I try to predict the weather. I hope the sky will be full of those fluffy, white clouds I used to watch, but it's always just a cloudless sky; it's so hopeless and disappointing.
And that's what you getI still look for your leather jacket.
Every. Single. Day.
I still leave early every morning to catch you. I still hurry from classes in hopes of a fleeting glance. I still try to look my best, still hope you'll acknowledge me; yet you only look away.
I feel nervous around you now. I hope so much you'll notice me, see that I've changed, treat me more than the invisible being I've become to you; it's only been a few weeks.
Every day my vulnerability increases. I remember all we had and continue to watch you ignore it all as you cling on to every single girl around you. She sits on your lap, you lay on her, and that girl over there? Well you gave her a foot massage. I was right there the entire time.
You say it's too painful for you to talk to me, but do you have any idea how I feel as I watch you ignore everything we had? As I watch you ignore me? It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. No pain I've ever endured compares to the pain you've brought me, yet I can't let go. I have to fi
I'm awakeI miss you with every beat of my dying heart. Thump. Thump-thump... thump. The only feeling that could describe this is suffocation. Choking. You had given me life and in an instant I was expected to go on without you. To this day, if I had to choose between air and you, I would use my last breath to tell you I love you. It is this reason, however, I can't keep holding onto you. No matter what. You don't want anything to do with me. You're so much happier now. No matter how much I want you, I need to do what's best for you. That's all I can do. It doesn't matter that every day is a new battle against the darkness. It doesn't matter if I've been reduced to nothing but an empty shell. It's supposed to be getting better, but it only gets worse. I'm supposed to be healing, but I just keep falling apart. I want to change and be your everything, but I doubt you'll give me the chance to show you. All I needed was the wake up call, and baby, I'm awake
MiseryI wrote so many letters to you.
I wanted to make things better for you, for me, for us. I wanted you to understand each and every emotion felt because maybe then you'd begin to understand me. I know it's not a good enough reason for you to forgive me, and I know you probably won't even take the time to try.
Want to know the funny part? I never got the courage to send those letters. I guess I didn't want you to know.
What about all of those cuts? You and I, we tore each other apart, limb to limb. That's what killed us. We shared a passion but it wasn't enough to extinguish the burning embers fueling our angered tongues. You liked to pretend nothing was wrong when really everything was. You believed ignorance was bliss; it took too long for you to realize what we were doing to each other.
Even after all of the pain you caused me, I can tell you what hurt the most. Silence.
You knew I existed, yet you chose not to acknowledge it. There were so many times where I wished y
Someday I'll be freeSomeone please remove the petty paper chains you wrapped around my wrists; for some reason I just can't do it on my own. The restraints slowly cut its way into my tissue-paper flesh and blood trails down my too-weak-to-use arms; for some reason I can't raise them against you, I can't defend myself against you. Pitiful as these chains are, deep down my loyal heart lies with you. Why else does it beat when I hear your name?
Someone please remove the rusting metal clanking at my feet. My legs are bound, I cannot move. Bruises line the skin as my tired heart stays faithful to myself and to you. It beats blood through my veins, and it still livesbreathesbeats for you, you just don't notice it anymore. To tell you the truth, I don't think you ever noticed. It takes a lot to sit here and watch you abuse me darling, but I do it for love.
At least that's what I like to think.
And as these chains grow in power, my body grows in frailty; it's like I don't have control ove
Because I can'tI can't keep doing this you know. I'm stuck between happiness and disaster. You put me in such a desolate place, such a gray place, and it doesn't matter what I do because you're all I see. I can't even distinguish right from wrong anymore; it's just there. I'm just there. Everything is just there except the pulsing flesh slowly pumping blood within the empty cavity of my being. Unfortunately it can't follow the numbing patterns of my life. It has to feel, want, and need. Unfortunately.
I stay awake each and every night thinking about everything you've ever said, everything you've wanted to say, and everything you never told me.
I like to pretend the words you spat out in hatred were just a reaction to everything I've ever done.
[if that was the truth, maybe we'd be friends by now]
I like to pretend words once stuck in your head wouldn't have hurt as much as the ones you said.
[I think the pain helped make things better though]
I like to pretend those words tha